My Head Explode!!

"Each person was like one line of music, but nobody knew what the symphony sounded like. Only the conductor had the whole score." - Paint It Black by Janet Fitch

I couldn't remember if I had used that quote before, but I didn't feel like searching through all the blog posts. Thus, I decided it was such a good quote that I would use it again.

That book is awesome too. 

My mind has been wandering lately. I mean, it's always wandered quite a bit, but the wandering feels slightly more frantic. I feel like I'm losing time to let it wander, which is why it is becoming so desperate. 

Is this making sense?

I'm not sure, but maybe there are more factors than just time. Holding time accountable for everything just seems wrong and unfair. While it IS a main factor, I can't blame it for the fact that I have so many things to do that I can't stop and concentrate on one single thing. 

Or that I have so many ideas but I can't quite put my finger on how to express those ideas. It's emotions, it's colors, it's pictures... my head feels so full and it wearies me. I feel like it's going to bubble over and take it with me. I can't keep them all in, but I don't know how to properly let them all out so that they are rightfully understood.

I'm glad there are so many, but handling them is too much. I need to find a way. Screaming as loud as I can was my first thought, while curling up to sleep and see them in my dreams is an incredibly close second.

I wish it was easy (unfortunately we all wish that :( ) but I'm glad it isn't. Something tells me I need to look at them all, separate them one by one and examine them, figuring out what each one means to me and ultimately what it says about me. Some of these can be explained with words, but only a select few. 

The rest are secret puzzles of myself. If only I had time to look into it more... alas, I have come full circle.

I have thus lost my wisdom....

I have turned into a chipmunk. And not the singing, cartoon kind. 

Okay, maybe I'm not THAT much of a chipmunk, but enough of one to make a difference. I look at myself in the mirror and laugh. It's rather amusing to see my cheeks all puffed out. This is all, of course, due to wisdom teeth removal. 

Which all has nothing to do with whatever I thought I was going to write about, but it appears to be the topic of the hour. Hence, bring on the drugs. Of course, those do cause me to have some rather strange dreams. For example, Miley Cyrus constantly calling our house phone to ask out my brother? Weird.

Why do they call them "wisdom" teeth, anyway? It's not like I feel any less smart because they took them out. Or even more naive. Should I have named all four them? Socrates? Plato? Newton and Copernicus? 

I'm not sure that would have mattered. Of course, I'm sure my oral surgeon would have thought  me strange if I had said:

"Don't hurt Copernicus as you take him out... he's a sensitive soul."

Hm... peculiar person I would be considered.

Ew! I went to look up information on wisdom teeth and found a list of common problems after surgery. No need to know those things. I would rather just take care of my wounds. I didn't even check to see if there was a reason of why they are called "wisdom" teeth. I guess I'll never know, but I'm sure it probably has something to do with them occurring later in life. 

But I digress on this random post of mine...

Surprisingly, they aren't bothering me TOO much (knock on wood... knock on wood... ), but I'm sure it's because I'm on drugs and because I'm trying to follow my brother's example (there's a first for everything!). He was actually quite meticulous about rinsing and caring for the wound area, so I'm going to be the same way, rinsing with the warm salt water and the blue antibacterial that looks like Windex. 

That way, I hope to keep infection away, particularly because that usually involves pain and oozing. Who wants pain and oozing? Yep, that's exactly what I thought. 

I find myself trying to relax as well because I DID take two floating holidays for this little escapade. Which makes me wonder how I always end up using my PTO and holidays for doctor's appointments and procedures? Why can't I have a FUN day?

Oh wait, that was ALL last week wasn't it? I guess I can't complain too much then.

Oh well. 

Time for more pain meds! :)

My First Summer Vacation...

... at least, since my days in school. That was... hmmmm, wow... a few years ago.

It's nice... but I have to be honest, it's nearing the end of my fourth day of vacation and I'm finally starting to feel the effects of relaxation.

 

It's like an overall feeling of happiness. Or maybe, a cloud of calm coming over me.

 

This vacation, though is different than the "summer breaks" of school days. It's slightly an odd realization. I remember those days that I got out off of school...

 

For the first few weeks I would be absolutely tired, exhausted and worn out. Those weeks usually consisted of sleeping in to the late hours of the day (around noon) and then lounging around doing absolutely nothing. It PROBABLY was wonderful, but I really couldn't tell you. I was pretty much out of it with a head full of what I assumed to be marshmellows... cotton balls.... fluffy tissues... pretty much anything that consists mostly of air.

 

When I finally came to, I usually had to spend another week or two trying to convince myself that I didn't have a paper to write or a project to finish. It was awful really... a time filled with a strange anxiety. After those weeks I usually just accepted there was nothing I HAD to do and would spend the next few days realizing I could do anything. Blissful times, if I recall. Usually, at this point, there was SOME kind of family vacation.

 

And then came the absolute WORST time period: the stage of boredom. The times when I realized there WAS nothing I had to do and it bothered me. Actually bothered me. It was summer vacation from school! I should have been happy I had nothing to do!

 

It drove me absolutely bonkers.

 

Even my mom used to tell me I needed to learn to relax. And by the time I did, it was time to go back to school. Darn. 

 

Yea, I've never been really good at that kind of thing. Relaxing, that is. Oops. Life Fail, I guess.

 

Now, however, things have changed. There aren't weeks of exhaustion, weeks of denial and weeks of unneccesary stress. My first couple days I was tired, but now I've accepted. Much more quickly than I have accepted before. Days. It took DAYS.

 

That is amazing. 

 

I accept there is nothing I HAVE to do and can focus on the things I WANT to do.

 

Wow... what a concept. 

 

I guess I'm growing in the world of life lessons. This lesson? Forgetting the knick-knack world of work and knowing that to really feel content and get what you want done, you have to let go of the office, the cubicle and, in my case, the patient. You have to walk away from everything and become part of the world as is, not the world as we created. To become familiar again with the ebb and flow of life and what better place to do that then at the beach? Listening to the lovely waves and exploring tidepools. On top of it, I'm with my family... the people that I depend on.

 

But back to my main point... a place I veer from quite often in my life.

 

Work vacation is different than school vacation.

 

As my mom put it, she said when you're at school, you know how long you'll be busy and the months you'll be off. You basically know you can give your all and recuperate in the time afterward. However, at work, your vacation time is not particularly guaranteed. So, in response, you learn to pace yourself in a different way... so you don't burn out.

 

Wow... I couldn't have explained it better myself. 

 

Happy Summers all! 

And now for a mission statement...

I think people have forgotten to wake up in the morning and tell themselves: "I am going to do something awesome today".

At least, I know I have. Of course, it has nothing to do with a lack of confidence in my abilities or anything like that. It has more to do with the fact of my attitude in regards to mornings. My mornings usually consist of me absolutely hating my alarm clock, stumbling out of bed at some point and somehow getting ready for work. I just go. I don't enjoy my morning or take a moment to be annoyingly positive and Disney-princess-like, welcoming all the woodland creatures into my bedroom and inviting them to help me do my hair. What can I say?

It all comes down to this basic concept: I actually don't like mornings. I have made myself accustomed to not liking mornings. Why should I? They disrupt the most precious activities that I have and those are sleep and dreaming. Of course, there's also a little bit of help from the culture that I live in. 

I don't know, though, what there is to truly dislike about mornings. And here I go, being super gushy and positive again...

When you stop and think about it, mornings bring even more important things: sun, life, and, oh yeah, COFFEE. Why, again, should I hate mornings?

I'm definitely going to have to starting to work on my morning attitude. But how????? I've grown so accustomed to hating it. Trying to enjoy mornings would be like trying to enjoy kickboxing with a kangaroo... I will have to keep people updated on how this goes. Perhaps I could try something like playing crazy fun music in the morning... try and get my blood pumping by forcing myself to dance along with it, when all I want to do is sneak back under my covers and enjoy the random sun spots that peak through the window shades. Ahhhhhh.... sun spots. 

But now I'm straying from my original point: People have forgotten how to wake up and say "I am going to do something awesome today." 

In my definition, it doesn't have to be something big, incredible or ground-shaking. It could be as simple as making someone smile. Not to mention, it doesn't always have to be for someone else. Maybe just wearing a new perfume that makes you feel good every time you smell it on yourself is awesome... particularly for you!! 

I think I'm going to start telling myself that... continuing to live positive and wonderful... like Jess/Zooey on my new favorite show "New Girl". I mean, I still like my dark artist self that occasionally comes into the scene, but I have a feeling that what makes me "me" is my color. So, on to my next step:

"I am going to do something FRICKIN' AWESOME today"

My new mission statement, I guess. I thought I couldn't come up with one. I thought that "Glamour" article by Bethany Frankel (WHO is that, anyway??) was stupid but, I think I made one without meaning to....

.... how awesome is THAT??